So I don't know where to start but I know I need to write it down so I can talk to people and not have so many mad at me because I cant say what I want to say and then it gets all messed up.
What I Need-
- License
- Car
- Job in NJ
- Boyfriend
- Meet new people
- Save money
- Be happier
(This list isn't exactly in order. One to three should go in that order but the others can merge as they please)
Its hard for me to make friends cuz I'm in such a crazy mood that I'm afraid I will chase people away but at the same time I am crazy because I don't know people. An idea is to go to Shul and try to meet people but i am scared. i don't really want to go if I'm going to feel all lost.Sherri invites me out but i cant meet people in bars and clubs. Those are not the types of people i want to meet. it is fun to go out sometimes and let loose. but she takes so long to get ready sometimes its annoying. i cant stand ppl like that. i have known way to many people like that. they make me rush and then they take their sweet time or when i wanna get somewhere by a certain time and i gotta wait on them.
The Rev G-So G where do I begin. With him its hard to know what to say because I have such mix feelings about him. One big issue is he is a lot like Brian. I don't think that is good but maybe in some way its y i like him and want to be close with him but don't at the same time. I'm afraid when he does find a gf I am going to lose him so I'm trying to keep him at the moment but it is becoming difficult. Is it me or is it him? Maybe its us. I'm afraid to scare him away with the closeness but at the same time after we met he was there and came to c me a lot (which was really nice, i didn't need all that). My cousin introduced us and thought we would hit it off and we did. We have a few things in common. Maybe not enough to be in a relationship with and I'm able to handle that now. After I first met him I was a bit smitten. All I wanted to do was see him and hope to hold him in my arms. (Funny to imagine a 5'3" girl holding a 6' 2" guy). I think after a while I just wanted someone to just stay close with me who I could see on occasion. He did say he thought I was cute and fun and i hoped we could go out at some point but with me working 7 days a week that didn't leave anytime for dating and now sadly that I only work 4 days a week there isn't anyone around to date. Since I have such a hard time making friends how will I ever find someone to date. I miss dating because I feel like I haven't dated in forever. With Brian we wasn't really dating. Having a bf who didn't come to c me, didn't let me c him, wouldn't let me come to his apt (I found out later he was embarrassed by the condition his room mate kept it in. I told him I really don't care and plus his room was a pigsty so what did it matter what the rest of the place looked like. We spend all the time together in his room cuz the living room didn't feel shared), i only got to talk to in text (things got miscommunicated in that way),my friends didn't like him(my friends have to like my bf. They can c things you don't because ur blinded by love), didn't invite me anywhere, when i invited him it was always no or i have no money or blah blah blah. I couldn't handle his shit and yet i stayed with him hoping he would realize this is no way for a person to act and clean himself up. So back to issues with Garrett, he isn't Jewish which is a minor downside to that but if we stay friends that doesn't matter. I hope to marry a Jew someday but if i find a non Jew I fall in love with it will be a choice to be made at that time. People tell me not to put myself through that because it will be hard on the kids to want to raise them as a Jew with a non Jew. I wasn't raised with religion, Jewish or not, so I don't have any experience on it. Now that i have found Judaism I am liking it and hope to push myself to learn more. I have totally veered off topic. A total Liz thing to do. Well I'm just going to say I love Brian. I will always love him. I am not in love with him because he still hasn't changed any of these things. He is working hard at his job which is good but there is a lot that goes into that that he needs to work on. I do think about him a lot and I think the only way I can get him more out of my mind is if I find a good man to care for me and give me all the things in life Ive always wanted.
Lonely- I feel so alone. there are times when I am way to lonely and all i want is someone to chill with but everyone i know is in new york and I'm sick of going all the way to new york. its such a long trip and then i have to watch that i don't get stuck there. then there is the times i can hang out after work but so many ppl are not available or something. i really need to make more of an effort to do more but I'm so self conscious and then there are the ppl that flake on me when i plan.
Boys- I just feel so lonely and i want a man but I'm also scared or being hurt and chasing him away with my crazy. i am so picky i have no idea what i would be looking for. they say not to look and wait for it to come for u. i am trying but i just want someone to chill around with. to watch TV, movies, be held, cuddle, kiss, have someone who pays attention to me, wants to hear about my day. who really cares and just don't just say they wanna hear and they really don't. offer advice but doesn't push stuff on me. and if i don't want advice or to talk will understand.
Cher-I love her and love to talk to her. It is just right now she is trying to solve all my problems and that's what bothers me. I want her to understand that she cant and just to be there for me when i need her. We can talk about everything else besides these things that are bothering me now that no one can do anything about. the most she can do is teach me to drive but with her working 6 days a week and watching football all Sunday there is no time. i told her i want her to but she hasn't tried to yet so she needs to stops saying she will do it.
I say I to much. I know.
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