So much....

So much has been going on and I have wanted to blog it but somehow I haven't. I do however write everyday which is good. I am here today cuz I want this to go out to the world. All my hurt and pain. Sadly, I am at work and need to do work so hopefully I will get back to this. I would appreciate whoever reads this to leave a comment or even a hello. I would like to know who I am reaching out there. Thank you.

How is it that I use the work "I" so much. Its terrible. I need to work on that. :)

SO....Where to begin is the hard part. Sometimes i can go and do and type and all just works but right now i cant seem to think. All i want to do is go home and blast the radio and lay in bed. I have had a cough for about three weeks now. I went to a doctor last week and he said it was my asthma and allergies. Th is is the first time i have had a cough for this long or this bad from my a&a. Ive been deal with my asthma for the last 17 years. I have allergies my whole life but they are not that bad. Sometimes my eyes will itch, occasional runny nose. the biggest thing with me is congestion. My chest gets so congested and its such a bother and after all these years i haven't figured out how to get rid of it. I just let it run its course. I had people on the trains yesterday keeps switching seats away from me. it is not fun to have this cough. Its big and deep and makes my back, stomach and chest hurt to cough. I am also having trouble breathing. Does anyone know and not medicine things to offer. Maybe some herbs or non traditional. Ive been drinking tea, honey, cough drops, NyQuil, DayQuil, chest rub. The doctor told me to take Zyrtec but i don't want to pay for it and i don't have prescription coverage. Someone told me honey buckwheat. But where do i get that from? The only other thing i can think of is Buckley's and Delsym but i don't want to buy a whole bottle and knowing me not use it again. I am not a fan of medications. I let things just run through my body and hope it goes away. If anyone has this stuff and would lend me some then that could be helpful.

So originally i said i was going to talk about guys...so here is something about that.
As Kanye West said "here is a toast to the douchebags, scumbags, assholes and jerk-offs".
I have been hurt so many times by guy friends. Some very close to me. Ones i could trust. I wont name names but i hope that you know who you are.
You are my best friend. I can trust you and talk to you. You have so much going for you. Your a good listener, give good advice, smart, caring, sense of humor, funny, good personality and good looking and yet you are a pathetic loser. When will you learn. I have on countless occasions told you how much you have hurt me. How i feel about you. How i cant respect a man who will touch me with out permission. You are supposed to be a good man and yet if u touch me without permission it can be considered rape. Do you understand that. You are raping your best friend. I kept you around because i like to spend Shabbos with you but now after all this and you not being able to learn right from wrong and making me cry i can no longer be your friend. You need to learn when i say "no, i mean "no". It makes me very sad but i do not need you in my life. I have given you plenty of chances to redeem yourself and you have not. I understand now why so many people i know do not like you.

Guy number two. I like having you as a friend and am happy you offer to help me with whatever i need. I need you to understand i can not do anything with you. I know it is nice to have friends around when you are lonely but i cant be one of them. It hurts that you do not understand that no means no. I know i have a small history of saying no and changing my mind but when i say no that many times it should be clear i mean NO. I hope we can still be friends but i will not be in a room with you alone.

Its sad that these guys are putting me on edge about being around men. I don't know who i can trust anymore due to some other guys hitting on me and seeming interested in my body and not anything else about me. Even if you have not hurt me in the past can i be sure you will not hurt me in the future. I have trusted these guys for years and this is how they repay me. There have been just to many of you and its causing me mental harm. If you was truly interested in me you would ask me out on a real date or show up for a real hangout. Asking me to come over late at nite or asking me when I'm coming over is not my idea of you are interested in me for me but me for my body. If money is an issue we can do get a drink, some coffee (which i don't drink), go for a walk, go to a park or a lounge, go to a book store. There are so many options. If you invite me over to watch a movie we better be watching a movie or talking. If there are any sexual moves (trying to kiss me, touching more then just my back, if i seem interested in that), then i will be out of there in a hot minute. If ur at my place then u better leave before i get mad. Red head=Fiery temper!

So i asked on FB who wanted to be included in my blog..
Mr. Z: I don't know you that well. I have met u about 1 and 3/4th of a time.
Avi: I like ur name. Its totally rad. We have met in person once. You sat in my laundry with me. It was interesting. You practically fell asleep on me (leaning on my shoulder). I didn't mind. It was quite a boring day. Sorry I am not entertaining. My apartment doesn't have much fun in it. My bed being naked makes my room feel weird. I'm glad i got to meet u. Maybe one day we will hang out and get to know each other. I am not even to sure how we met in the first place. I think it was off of Facebook. Probably didn't have anything to do with being Jewish. So... so far in my book you are not a d-bag, s-bag, asshole or a jerk-off....yet and if u plan on being any of the aforementioned then keep ur distance. I doubt you want to travel all the way near me to piss me off and possibly make me cry.

A wise friend just said to me: "what i meant thou was that some guys think that because a girls is hot and they are friends with her , that it makes it ok to cross certain boundaries , and i could never do that do someone and i understand how you feel that you cant trust anybody because it sounds like to me that you feel that any guy your friends with is gonna do or try something stupid and also that since you are surrounded by men that you feel like we are all the same."
So remember guys, just because i may or may not be good looking there is no reason to think you can cross boundaries with me. It would be nice to have a guy friend i can be physically close with who i can joke with but who understands that i am not interested in more then that.