First Day

This blog is inspired by my aunt Amy and people in my life who tell me to write what i feel. I have been wanting to start a blog for the longest time and kept putting it off but as i am here being a "bad" jew in a way and not keeping the sabbath, i will start to write. I believe i am a good jew inside at times but sometimes i feel i can be so much more. I want to start keeping Shabbos again. i did it for close to a year and loved it. Sadly when i had to leave the religious environment i lived in and had to jump to a not so "kosher" one i lost my faith. I went from being happy to being really depressed very fast. Some of u know my story and some don't. here is what i would like to share with u all.

I was born 11 weeks early in a hospital in the 180's i believe in new york. I was transported to NY Beekman downtown hospital soon after because i was 2lbs. and 13oz. i stayed in an incubator for 2 months after that. My mom, dad, grandmother and me lived in my grandmothers house on 156th street till i was about 2. ( i am not sure at this point about my grandfather. As far as i know one passed away b4 i was born and the other when i was around 2...they don't speak about them) My mom, dad, my sister (diane) and me moved down to two bridges where we lived for a while. My dad left when i was 12 about and had made small appearances since. We used to see him every week, then every two weeks and then once a month and now not really at all. he currently lives on 156th. my mom still lives in two bridges with my sisters diane and ellen. I moved out of my mothers house in 2007 to live in washington heights with 4 religious jewish girls. i always knew i was jewish but knew nothing about the religion. i loved living with them. we had our rough times but we also had some really good times. you don't realize how good the times are until later or until u hit some really bad times. i lived there with many different girls moving in and out. i left that apartment in march of 2008 due to apt mate issues. I was sad to leave but what had to be done, had to be done. I did not have anywhere to move to and i had to be out quick. I was essentially homeless. I cant go back to my moms due to the fact i am allergic to it. i didn't realize how bad it was till i tried to go back there and go sick. i think i was allergic to it the entire time i lived there but got used to it cuz i spend all hours of the day i was not at school in. (I have severe asthma for those of u who don't know. i also have some allergies) Where was i to go? i couldn't ask my friends to let me crash with all of my stuff and i don't have family who will help me. they would just mock me (Also BIG problem is my mom denied i ever moved and told everyone i didn't. she claimed i was with my friends when ever anyone asked. i just ignored them all because they was no help to me) I know i am just rambling and it seems to be what i do best. I'm not good at it but i do it a lot. i sometimes don't even know what i am saying. So as a resort i asked my father if i could move in with him.. He thought about it for a couple of days and then said ok. Soon after i moved in her complained daily about all the stuff i had. i admit i am a pack-rat but i also lived in an apartment and had stuff in all rooms. (On a side note when i moved into my apt i was sharing a room with a girl i hardly new and it was the living room, not an actual room. After getting to know her and going through ups and downs i proudly say she is one of my best friends) When i moved into my own room in that apt (after everyone moved out) i was able to fit almost everything i had there into that room. i had a few things in the living room ( which actually became somewhat a living room/ dining room) We happily hosted shabbat meals in our room which i loved. i miss it so much but sadly i cant do it anymore. ( I NEVER STAY ON TOPIC WHEN I TALK) So i had a lot of stuff when i moved into my dads and he didn't like that i had that much stuff (ok like 15 boxes not including clothes) I was sad from the beginning cuz i felt i went back a step. i had my own place and now im living in my dads space. i did in a way take over. i never unpacked. my stuff is still in boxes but since he only has the one bed he gave me his bed to sleep in which i felt terrible about. i was willing to sleep on that thing in the living room. (Btw..if u didn't get it by now.. when my dad left when i was 12 he moved in with his mother and after she passed away, still lives there) He complained often about my stuff and continues every once and again. i really couldn't handle it cuz i didn't have my space and i felt weird being on his space and me and him are so different. sometimes im my father daughter but mostly i'm this weird red head girl who he says is his number one daughter but thats just because i'm the oldest. i told myself daily that i wanted to get out and i needed my own place again but i couldn't afford anything and there was no way i was going to love in Brooklyn. Speaking of brooklyn, i work in brooklyn so im there everyday and traveled an hr and a half to work mon to thur. so they best idea would b for me to move there right? yes i know but no. so back to my dad and his apt. so i wanted to move but where and when and how and all that jazz. as i was living there i payed half the rent and half the con ed bill even though i tried not to b there and was there only to sleep. Everyone said he should not charge me cuz i'm his daughter and yada yada. i told some ppl he didnt. When i lived with my mom i payed a little more then half the rent but that made sense cuz it was because i was working (since i was 16). i worked in a library summers 2002 to 2006. Then duane reade from August 2006 to present day. so because i worked in Duane Reade the rent went up so i payed my share but when i lived with my dad nothing really changed. i was pretty much paying for use of a bed and storage. i didn't feel like i lived there. i pretty much did not eat or do anything productive there. mindlessly stared at a tv mostly. ok well enough for right now. i'm getting tired and Brian just came in so i think i will go say hello. good nite ya'll. i will ttyl.