I wish my mother and father would listen to me. I get no support from them in anyway. Not with goals, aspirations, dreams, my future, religion and most definitely financially.
I got kicked out of my house when i was 18 years old by my mother because i refused to go to college. My dad left us when i was about 12 i think. He told me when i get older I will understand. I still don't. I can't have a real conversation with them. My mom is a gossip and my dad is always to busy or something. I stayed for 2 more years by paying my mother more then half our rent to stay. I shared a room and bed with my two sisters. None of this was fair. I left when i was 20. She didn't trust me, so I left. I got into trouble because she didn't trust me. I did things I'm not proud of. She rode me hard about college and working and doing more and more, all the while i have a sister that is not being pushed to go to college or do anything. My mother didn't believe i was leaving but she also didn't understand that i had to go. I couldn't deal with the pressure of taking care of the house and my sisters. Its not my job. My mother is not disabled or works full time so she should be able to. I always wondered if she wanted us or if we were all accidents. Same with my father, if we were planned. They got married after I was born.
- How did they meet?
I come from a complex situation like many people do.
My mom is a Jew. She won't talk about it but it is there.
My grandmother confirmed that her parents were Jewish.
My dad is half Jamaican, half Southern?
Ive always thought of myself as a southern girl and not a city person. I haven't really been to the south. Mostly just North Carolina. I would love to go down there and explore. I will always be a New Yorker at heart. The city is awesome but not for me. I see myself in a big house with a great husband and kids and the backyard they can play in, etc. I have a very specific goal for my life and lately all Ive been thinking about is how I doubt any of this will come true and how I feel like a waste.
I am a miracle baby. I was born 11 week premature. Not many babies survive that small. Especially think about how this was 26 years ago. I still cant believe I'm 26. I have to thank G-d everyday for my life. Obviously I have a purpose on this earth but i have no idea what it is. He hasn't told me. Maybe as I get more into Judaism I will figure it out. I really need to get better about doing things. I want to get better but I'm scared and lost. I feel my brain is not capable.
As I go off on topic back and forth (as i normally do) just bare with me and ask as many questions as you want. It might help me.
I have this amazing boyfriend who means so much to me and we have so much in common it makes me so happy but then I get nervous because i don't "feel" how I think I should feel. I thought having such a connection to someone would feel different. I use my Aunt Amy and Uncle Howie as inspiration. They seem like such a perfect couple with a perfect life. Now I don't believe in perfection and as bad as this is to say there has to be something there but they don't put it out in public which is important. He was born a Jew but didn't keep up with it as I see.He had a Bar Mitzvah. He married a devout Christian woman. The little I know about her seems great. She is a loving wife and mother. They got married at 23. Which i think is cute.They have the two cutest little girls. Ive always wondered if he wants/ wanted a boy since he is such a sports guy and his girls are very girly girl. They might not decide to stay that way but that is def the way their mother is making it now. Brian said the other day how its so nice to see these couples so in love and so cute like going for a walk and holding hands. That's what I want. What he wants. I want to be the stay-at-home-soccer mom. Take care of the house and kids and all that jazz. I know its harder in this day and age with everything being so expensive and less jobs being out there but its all I want and all I can think about. Brian also said the other day that in some way it was good for us both to come from these broken homes and all the problems that came with that so we will do the right things for our future. If you always have a good life then when something goes wrong you won't know how to fix it which could be true. I definitely have had my share of issues and have had to deal with them alone. I am very independent and sometimes to much since i wont ask for help. I will do all on my own which isn't always the safe way. Hurting my knee should teach me but it didn't cuz I'm still the same but now i have a fear instilled in me and makes me want to do less. I am afraid to even walk at a normal pace. I am scared to do daily things. I don't to be active. I feel like i have some kind of port partem depression but instead of giving birth i found out that my knees are built in a way that can't be fixed and can come out of place at any point. There are so many things Ive wanted to try and now i don't think i will ever do any of it. I'm even nervous to have kids cuz i wont want to run after them. I have flashbacks to what happened and it makes me so scared i want to cry.
When I started to write this today this isn't what I thought I was going to write about but now I like how it is coming along. I'm here at work bored and cant think about what needs to be done and I guess my boss has nothing for me to do since she didn't ask. My brain feels like a fog. All I keep thinking about is getting the apartment in order. Me finishing my room and seeing if my babies (hammies) are alright. They are still very shy and hiding out. I figure they need another day to get comfortable.
So what i wanted to do is find out:
Mom
- Does GB have any siblings?
- was my moms dad a Jew also?
- when did he pass away?
- where is he buried?
Dad
- What about my dad's dad?
- where was he from?
- when did he die?
- where is he buried?
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