It has been a long time since I have posted. I am more psycho then before. My brain is about to split in two. I can't handle making this decision anymore. I am at my witts end. All I want to do is cry but since I push everyone away there is no one there to hold me. I miss everyone so but I am scared for them to be around. I don't want to hurt them. I want to be the strong person I used to be. I am trying so hard to be strong but I am breaking down so much. I am like a crumbling wall. I just want to keep crumbling till I can blow away in the wind. One of my favorite lines from a song right now is Katy Perry's-Fireworks- "Do you feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again. Do you feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in". This is how i feel. I feel a simple touch at this moment will knock me down and I don't know if I can get back up. I have made list after list, had thought after thought about what to do and it doesn't seem to get any easier. My mind is very clouded with thoughts but none are clear. Everything is so balanced and as soon as the scale starts tipping something gets added to the other side to even it out again. The piles get bigger and bigger but not any clearer/cleaner. I have columns and explanations but it doesn't seem to get any easier. I have no idea what can be done and all the advice in the world wont matter because it is my life and my decision. I always hope writing and writing and typing randomly here will help but it doesn't so much. All I have learned is that I can type fast when I want to but not to correctly. I most likely have a lot of mistakes but I don't care as long as I know what I am writing and can make the corrections. I love it sometimes, the speed, the flow of it all. (All i do is stare at the keyboard and on that note I think I need my eyes checked. My right eye has been twitching).
The title of this blog is New Month and not New Year because i think people should be constantly making themselves better and not wait for the new year to do it. I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. If i had one it would be not to have one which contradicts itself. Over the years i have had the same one and i have not gotten any better at it. It was to exercise and get my body in shape and possibly toned. I am thin but i flab in some places a bit to much for my liking. I also have weird love handles that make my back hurt and no one believes me. My other is to eat better (and in recent years to eat).
It is very true what you say, in the end it is ur life no matter what anyone might make u think. I am going to try and go back and post more on ur earlier ones, I just wanted to make this comment. I know from what I have read earlier that u have had a rough life it isn't easy having parents divorced at a young age. Even though I don't know if it is the same consciously with u but some of ur " self preservation" tactics stem from that ( my parents divorce when I was a little older, Thats how I feel), so it's harder to fully trust someone. And I think that you have might heard before what I am about to say, but the heck with it. Not everyone is out to hurt u, if u feel like it's hard opening ur heart to everyone. Then start with one person at a time and do it slowly..... Wait this is starting to seem a lot like advice isn't it? Oh well since it went down that path lemme add one more thing, when opening up to whom ever u decide leave nothing taboo, u don't have to say it all at once. But get ready to let it all out, without that mindset , nothing I said here could help anyone
ReplyDelete